President Obama comes to Ottawa today. Of course the media is all a'flutter over the visit. I only wonder one thing - will Obama ask the Prime Minister about the anti-Obama leak that originated from the PMO just prior to the Ohio primary and contributed to Clinton's victory over Obama there?
Likely not.
US Presidents and Canadian Prime Ministers have had an odd relationship over the years. We had Mulroney and Regan singing Irish Eyes are Smiling hand-in-hand (with the rest of us reaching for the nearest vomit bag). Clinton and Chretien played golf together. Things haven't always been good . . when Lester B Pearson refused to send troops to Viet Nam Lyndon Johnson grabbed him by the shirt, shook him, and yelled at him. History has funny twists though - Pearson won a Nobel peace prize, Johnson. . . Vet Nam . . .?
How about Nixon and Trudeau? When it was revealed that President Richard Nixon called Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau "an asshole" in his private tapes, Trudeau responded with, "I've been called worse things by better people." The recently revealed tapes also show that Trudeau lectured Nixon on trade policy and that Nixon didn't understand what the heck Trudeau was talking about.
I'd like to be a fly on the wall today . . .
Anyway, this piece of statire appeared in the Toronto Star on Monday. It made me smile. Like any decent satirical piece, it makes you smile but there is also a fair bit of truth behind the smiles. . .
A big ol' howdy and bonjour Canada! How are you?
We know, we know, it's been a while. Sorry about that.
We have been, per usual, rather self-absorbed lately, what with our historic elections and our economy in freefall. But, hey, good news. Did you hear? We're coming to visit.
We'll be in Ottawa on the 19th. Hope you can make it. We hear mid-February is a lovely time of year there.
Look, Canada, before you get your hopes up about this trip, there's something we need to tell you. We're not sure how to put this so we will be brutally direct, as is our way. We're just not that into you.
There, we said it. We feel better already.
You've always been there for us, Canada: after the Sept. 11 attacks and now in Afghanistan. We appreciate that, really we do. But still, we're just not that into you.
It's not personal, really. It's geopolitical. You're just too ... nice. Nice doesn't get our attention. Threatening gets our attention, and you, Canada, are anything but threatening, except on the hockey rink, of course, but we don't take hockey all that seriously.
If you really wanted us to notice, you should have gotten all gussied up in that Taepodong outfit (it worked for North Korea) or maybe flashed some weapons of mass destruction – real or imagined, it's all the same to us.
Let's face it. We've been bickering a lot lately – over Afghanistan and NAFTA and that silly softwood dispute. Plus you think we hog all the water, which we probably do.
We admit we've been avoiding you lately. But can you blame us? Your loonie is loony. Up one day, down the next, then up again. We've got plenty of that yo-yo action right here on Wall Street. We don't need to go north for it.
Also, many of us Americans – especially those in their 20s and 30s – tell surveyors they find Canada a "boring" place to visit.
I know, I know, how can a country with both Cirque du Soleil and Don Cherry possibly be described as boring? What can I say, Canada? Our amusement threshold is very high.
So is our capacity for selfishness. Our pending "Buy American" campaign hurts you. We feel your pain, Canada, really we do, but we've got to look out for Number 1. And we all know who Number 1 is.
Perhaps what we have here is a classic failure to communicate. The fact is, we don't know you Canada. And no wonder: American newspapers no longer maintain bureaus in Canada.
Not that we paid much attention when they did. Most of us couldn't name your prime minister or, for that matter, your capital city. Is this kind of ignorance any basis for a relationship?
If we know you Canada (and we've already determined we don't) you're probably blaming yourself. You always do. Unlike us, you're so modest and self-effacing. It's endearing.
Remember that joke you like to tell us? How do you get 50 Canadians to leave a swimming pool? By making an announcement: Will all the Canadians please leave the pool. See, you find that funny. We don't get it. That's why, Canada, it's best we go our separate ways.
I know what you're thinking: You can change, America. You've elected a new president, one who is all about change and re-engagement with the world.
Don't believe it, Canada. Nations, like people, don't change easily. We're been around for more than 200 years. We're a bit stuck in our ways.
No, Canada, we're just not that into you and probably never will be. Don't fret, though. You're better off without us. We were very much into Iraq (still are) and look how that turned out.
Besides, Canada, you're too good for us anyway.
The truth is we envy you, though of course we never admit that to anyone, not even ourselves. We envy your health-care system. We envy your prudent, sober banks. We envy your restraint on the international stage. We envy your very happiness. We envy everything about you. Except your weather, of course. Nobody envies that.
So, chin up. We can still be friends. After all, you are so close; we're practically neighbours.
Yes, we're still friends – and best trading partners for life too! And you will continue to send us your best comedians, won't you?
Hey, let's do coffee sometime. We'll call you.
Eric Weiner is the Washington-based author of The Geography of Bliss: One Grump's Search for the Happiest Places in the World, now out in paperback.
Fascinating! I'll be curious to hear more about Obama's visit (I'm glad he put you guys on high priority). And that satire is hilarious!
Posted by: Annie | February 19, 2009 at 09:36 AM
This is funny. I'll be curious about Obama's visit with the PM.
Posted by: Candi | February 19, 2009 at 11:47 AM
Ouch! Great satire!
Posted by: sandrac | February 19, 2009 at 01:29 PM
Almost as funny as your wit!
Posted by: Palma | February 19, 2009 at 02:04 PM
I have often wondered if there are any comedians left in Canada - thanks, that was funny and let's drink (a Canadian beer would be nice) to new friendships, politically speaking.
Posted by: Marcia | February 19, 2009 at 02:10 PM
Wonderful read...how true it is ... sad but true.... smile.
Are we breaking out the Beaver Tails???
Posted by: Rose | February 19, 2009 at 05:53 PM
Great post, Jerry. I couldn't agree with Eric Weiner more. But I'm still holding out hope with Obama. I believe that things (and people) can change.
Posted by: Teaberry | February 20, 2009 at 09:38 AM
Hilarious! But what's the joke with the swimming pool? I didn't get that...
I took a class on Canadian politics in graduate school so at least I know a tiny bit more than most!
Posted by: Chiocciola | February 20, 2009 at 10:51 AM
Annie - very little about Obama's visit in the US media. we'll be blathering on about it for month though.
Candi - let's just say that there appeared to be some awkward moments shown in pictures.
Marcia - funny thing - they planned a huge multi-course lunch but beer was NOT on the menu (just about every other Canadian foodstuff was though).
Rose - apparently beavertails were enjoyed!
Teaberry - we all need some hope these days.
palma - paul says 'do not encourage him!'
Chiocciola - I think it is a reference to the fact they we are law-abiding and ALWAYS follow the rules. If someone says to do something we jump up and do it.
Posted by: JDeQ | February 21, 2009 at 07:57 AM
Aha! Thanks for the explanation!
Posted by: Chiocciola | February 21, 2009 at 01:47 PM
I never knew about Lyndon Johnson flipping out at your Prime Minister. I also didn't get the swimming pool joke...thanks for the explanation. Interesting letter. I hope things will change.
Posted by: girasoli | February 21, 2009 at 08:23 PM
Woo-hoo, Jerry!
I love this piece. Isn't that the truth, though?
I watched Peter Mansbridge on his hour long news special about Obama's visit, and he was pretty accurate in his commentary, I thought.
We'll see if anything changes...I don't hold my breath, do you?
Posted by: Brenda | February 22, 2009 at 12:46 AM
ok, so I miss Pierre Trudeau! He had spice, spunk and guts, and he knew how to tell people off...royally, in spades!
I think he and Barack would have had a great relationship! Both cool guys married to beautiful women with gorgeous kids...and that sense of class! Woulda, coulda, shoulda...
Posted by: Brenda | February 22, 2009 at 12:49 AM
Brenda - Mansbridge's interview was excellent. I was expecting a 'puff' piece but was so happy that it wasn't. I agree as well about Trudeau - I met him once as a child (is 15 a child?) and he left such a memorable impression on me.
Posted by: JDeQ | February 22, 2009 at 06:38 AM