Today at work we held our last staff meeting of the year.
We took a minute to remember the victims of the Orlando massacre.
I have to admit that as a gay man I was gutted by the killings at the Pulse night club.
I recognize that other groups in society have been targeted for mass killings in more horrific numbers. It is not a contest however.
In a way these targeted me so I feel them deeply.
Being gay means living a life in secret most of the time. Yes, society is more tolerant than it once was (well, at least in Canada) but I still won't hold my husband's hand in public for fear some nut will go nuts on us.
In the privacy of our home we're affectionate with one another. In public - cold, platonic, friends.
Sure, here in Canada we have seen an advancement of rights. Yet whereas the prevalence of hate crimes in Canada is decreasing, according to the latest statistics, with one notable exception: Hate crimes motivated by sexual orientation remain as high as ever.
So we remain on our guard.
Being gay means much of your life is spent trying to act like your image of a straight person. Forcing yourself to be someone you are not to the public.
Being gay means having to make a big announcement to family and friends at some point - the 'coming out'. Women don't have to come out as women. Radicalized groups don't have to come out as radicalized groups. Because gay is hidden so we are required to make an announcement, dreading how people will respond.
Being gay is you are constantly reminded, both in covert and overt ways, that you are abnormal.
As an older gay guy I never grew up even knowing what gay meant. The word was tossed about as an insult but no one really knew what it was. There were no gay characters on TV - until the 80s and when there were gay characters in the popular media these characters were mainly bit parts where the gay character was generally a murder victim or an alcoholic - never central to the plot.
No one really spoke of gay relatives - at least not in my experience.
There were no role models. No one made 'It Gets Better' videos to give you hope that things will indeed get better.
Growing up you just knew you were different and in a horrifically bad way.
The price that knowledge, the secrecy, the hidden life pays is significant.
This is why gay clubs are so important. When I was coming out I did go to gay clubs. I didn't feel judged there. OK - I'd be lying if I didn't admit we judged the shit out of hair, clothing, stuff like that. No one judged you for being gay though.
That was safe.
There was togetherness. Finally, you were able to hang out with people like you. You realized you weren't alone. You had some allies. You could hold hands and not fear being attacked. Hell, you cal even fall in love.
This is what gets me so much about the Orlando killings. The victims were in their safe place. A place to gather with the LGBTQ community and allies to be together. A place to relax. A place of freedom. . . some call it a sanctuary.
Until someone with an assault rifle comes in with intent to kill born out of a deep hatred for gays.
Reading the communications from the victims as they desperately told their family they loved them, knowing they might die next, is heart breaking. Those young people with the world at their fingertips, many just starting out on adulthood, were wrenched from our community by someone who was taught to hate them for no reason other than the fact they loved differently.
Mainstream public figures in Western democracies – including ours, but especially in the U.S. – routinely propagate anti-gay sentiment, usually framing it as a question of religious freedom.
Oman Mateen wasn't an isolated monster. He was created by all of the right-wing bullshit directed at the LGBTQ community. He was spurred on by the vitriol about transgendered washrooms. He was nurtured by the narrow-minded Kim Davises of the world. He was a creation of the hatred that exists in our society.
Then he was provided with ready access to a weapon of war.