A Life, Lived

Into the Woods

Yesterday, after packing all of our Christmas stuff away for another year, we decided to go and see a movie. There were three we wanted to see - one was in 3D (which I can't stand), the other not at our theatre of choice, so we landed on Into the Woods - the new Disney adaptation of the famous Sondheim musical. I didn't know much about it, never having seen the show, but I did know it would be edgy and adult (as all Sondheim shows seems to be), and there would be singing (which apparently came as a shock to some movie goers - DUH -it's advertised as a musical people!)

I must confess that I didn't have high hopes - likely because we had just watched the movie version of Les Miserables. Just because people can act does not make them a singer so why try and force it?

Let me say straight up that this cast can sing- in most cases extremely well.

That was a relief.

Now the story. One of the interesting things about Into the Woods is how it blends three favourite fairy tales into one tale. Some might wonder about an adult movie being based on fairy tales  . . . the counterpoint is simple - have you every truly read the tales by the Grimm brothers?

A little girl and her grandmother are swallowed whole by a wolf, whose stomach is then slit open to retrieve them. A young woman’s cruel stepsisters chop off chunks of their feet to fit into her gold slippers in a blind attempt to land a Prince. And a boy gets taken in by a woman offering him shelter, then robs them blind and kills her husband.

These are stories intended for children.

To call fairy tales dark would be an understatement. And yet, these are the stories we’re raised with — albeit often in sanitized, Disney-fied adaptations. As violent and occasionally traumatizing as these fairy tales are, they still offer the traditional “happily ever after” formula. Especially in their modern, kid-friendly iterations — which cut out many of the more  nightmare-inducing elements of the traditional folk tales upon which they were based — fables that were dark morality tales designed to scare the crap out of children.

There you have it.

The mishmash fairy take of Into the Woods is told through the eyes of a Baker (James Corden) and his Wife (Emily Blunt), who want to have a child but have been cursed to be barren forever by a neighboring Witch (Meryl Streep). But when the Witch offers to reverse the curse in exchange for certain objects, the married duo sets off into the woods and directly into the lives of Cinderella (Anna Kendrick), Little Red Riding Hood (Lilla Crawford), the Big Bad Wolf (Johnny Depp), and Jack (Daniel Huttlestone) from from beanstalk stories, among others.

As I mentioned, the cast is excellent and each of these fantastic characters works even better when they're playing off one another. It gels; it feels like a legit ensemble and that's, well, magical. However, this really is Meryl Streep's show. Streep soars as the manic, rapping Witch. In the end I was left wondering if there was anything at all that she can not play?

The one discordant moment for me was Johnny Depp as the wolf. It verges on the creepy as the leering wolf eyes Little Red Riding Hood with a sly “what’s in your basket?” In the play Little Red is played by an older actress (Crawford is 12) and the wolf struts about with a penis attached to his costume so the sexualized songs sort of make sense. In the movie Depp is clearly a man - with some wolf-like characteristics so when he starts in on "Hello Little Girl” a sleazy ditty by the wolf as he ogles his intended dinner. “Look at that flesh / Pink and plump / Hello, little girl / Tender and fresh / Not one lump.” If child molesters had their own country, this would be their national anthem. I confess that I was squirming with discomfort there.

One of the interesting things about this material is the way the story has two parts. The first part traces the intertwined stories as they make wishes and choices in an attempt to lead a happier life. In some versions - particularly those geared towards children - the story just stops here and the characters live happily ever after. But in the play the stories keep going, and cross into each other, until soon "happily ever after" isn’t such a sure thing. In the movie the second part has sanitized some aspects of the play but it is far more dark as the consequences of making wishes is revealed with death, mayhem, and sadness. As Cinderella confesses when she realizes life with Prince Charming may not be all that: “It’s not quite what I expected.”

The way the two mini-plays (or halves of the film) differ from one another is significant and it is this difference that reveals the central themes to the story. This theme stresses moral ambiguity - everyone has a point of view as to what is right. They all conflict, and there are layers of morality and degrees of acceptance of responsibility for their actions. One theme is whether the ends justify the means.

Note Prince Charming's answer to Cinderella when she tells him she knows of his infidelity. "I was raised to be charming, not sincere."

It is a complicated piece. There are multiple themes - morality, parenting, responsibility, A thread repeated through the play is ... "You are nice, but not good." emphasizing the difference.

In the end the characters arrive at a modified version of their original dream. None of them has a complete version of what they originally wished for. What they have managed to do is find some normalcy and balance in the reality that presents itself to them in spite of the disappointment of adulthood.

Funny, fractured fairy tales are nothing new but this film really blossoms in its second half, which pushes beyond happily ever after into themes of death, infidelity and parental responsibility.

The woods are deeper and thornier than you’d imagine in a movie that’s the best of its kind since The Princess Bride.

The Cruelest Movie Review I have EVER Read!

Confession - I have not seen an Adam Sadler movie since the Wedding Singer as they have all seemed juvenile and I generally leave those to frat boys and 8 year olds.

Hands up if you can tell them apart?

Anyway, I wondered if that was the reason why this review just seemed so awesome to me. . . having reread it I think not. It is just an amazing review of a really bad flick!

Adam Sandler's Grown Ups 2 a gross and lazy no-star flop

Zero stars (out of 4)

Lynda Barnard; Toronto Star

Starring Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, Salma Hayek, David Spade, Maya Rudolph, Maria Bello and Shaquille O'Neal. Directed by Dennis Dugan. 101 minutes. Opens July 12 at major theatres. PG

Adam Sandler scrapes the bottom of the barrel — and then he pukes into it — with Grown Ups 2, a lazily cribbed-together swamp of pointless and unfunny sketches that makes 2010’s Grown Ups look like Citizen Kane.

There’s no explanation why Rob Schneider isn’t back for the further adventures of five high school pals from the class of 1978 who reunited to prove how little they’ve matured. An attack of conscience, perhaps? So now they are four: Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade and their shameless ringleader, Sandler.

Dennis Dugan(Jack and Jill) is back to direct for round two but there’s little direction going on in this three-ring circus of cinematic torture.

With only the barest excuse for a plot, something about standing up to bullies and let’s have an ’80s-themed costume party, Sandler and former SNL writers Fred Wolf and Tim Herlihy have created a script in name only. Gags written by a troupe of Ritalin-addicted monkeys are funnier — and likely include fewer feces jokes.

In fact, bouncing boobs, urine, projectile vomiting, hits to the crotch, testicles and the contents of diapers seem to be an endless source of fascination for Sandler, who opens Grown Ups 2 by being sprayed in the face by an enthusiastically peeing male deer. And he seems to have a sudden appreciation for inflatable rafts: paging Dr. Freud.

Selfish wiseasses who end up with audacious babes, Sandler’s Lenny is married to curvaceous Roxanne (Salma Hayek) who always appears to be one sneeze away from popping her buttons. She’d like to have another baby but Lenny wants to stick to the three kids he has.

It’s a good policy. The cutesy annoyances that populate Grown Ups 2 are already too much to bear.

Sally (Maria Bello), married to James’ underachiever Eric — whose claim to fame is he can burp, sneeze and fart at once, creating a “burpsnart” — and Deanne (Maya Rudolph), wed to tricky cable guy Kurt (Rock), also partake in the crudity. Rudolph can’t seem to believe the leering line she’s given to purr to a buff fitness instructor. The joke, like many others, falls flat as an anvil.

Weedy looking Marcus (Spade) is still understandably single. He discovers he has a son, a hulking lug who shows up to spend the summer with his pop.

Women are ill used throughout, either set up as the butt of jokes or something to be ogled. Witness Paulina Gretzky, playing a drunken college co-ed, slurring and prancing about in a bikini. A career is born.

The guys don’t fare much better. Spade is stuffed into a tractor tire and rolled around until he vomits a green geyser. Meanwhile Twilight’s Taylor Lautner plays the most unlikeable character onscreen this year (and I’m including the World War Z zombies) as a trash-talking frat boy.

“Why is this never ending?” Eric wonders at one point. We feel his pain as the obligatory car-wash scene begins with soapy vixens and “Cherry Pie” blasting. But wait! It’s SNL’s Will Forte and Andy Samberg rubbing their short-short-clad fronts on the windshield. Hilarious!

The huge cast appears to cover off all those Sandler owes a favour to from his SNL days, plus a rag-tag bunch of cameos from Steve Austin to wrinkly ’70s rockers The J. Geils Band.

The original Monday night screening for Grown Ups 2 was cancelled due to a power outage at SilverCity Yorkdale caused by the massive storm that slammed Toronto. Perhaps the universe was trying to tell Sandler something.

I suspect that the review is far more funny (and intelligent) then the movie!

The 39 Worst Actors?

I'm sure that you've heard of the movie rating site Rotten Tomatoes?

The Rotten Tomatoes website, created in 1999, aggregates reviews from hundreds of newspapers and websites across the country, converts each review into a thumbs-up ("fresh") or thumbs-down ("rotten") rating, and then combines those assessments into a single "Tomatometer" rating that gives the percentage of positive reviews. The site even aggregates archived reviews from films that were released in the 1990s and before. Whether you're looking at contemporary cinema or the classics, the Tomatometer can serve as shorthand for a film's critical reception, if not its box office success.

After analyzing the reviews for the movies the following actors appeared in they rated them as the worst 39 of the past 25 years. Don't ask me why they picked 39 as the number - surely another 11 could have been found  . . . To prove that even bad actors can have brilliant movies there are about 13 Oscar winners in the list.

What do you think?

I'd agree with many of these. A couple I've never heard of (sigh). Some I'd disagree with.

1. Jennifer Love Hewitt
2. Steven Seagal
3. Keanu Reeves
4. Kristen Stewart
5. Chuck Norris
6. Denise Richards
7. Dwayne 'the rock' Johnson
8. Demi Moore
9. Vin Diesel
10. Renee Zellweger
11. Sylvester Stallone
12. Katie Holmes
13. Nicolas Cage
14. Zooey Deschanel
15. Brendan Fraser
16. Megan Fox
17. Ashton Kutcher
18. Jackie Chan
19. Jennifer Lopez
20. Matthew McConaughey
21. Shaquille O'Neal
22. Brooke Shields
23. Owen Wilson
24. Kevin Costner
25. Pamela Andersen
26. Arnold Schwarzenegger
27. Gwyneth Paltrow
28. Brad Pitt
29. Miley Ray Cyrus
30. Josh Hartnett
31. Jessica Simpson
32. Quentin Tarantino
33. Kate Hudson
34. Rob Schneider
35. Olivia Newton-John
36. Billy Zane
37. David Caruso
38. Patrick Duffy
39. Jean-Claude Van Damme

The Oscars

Once again Paul and I sat back and suffered through another Oscar telecast. The Oscar's are a bit like a bad accident - you know looking at it is bad and may expose things unfit for human eyes but you are damned if you can look away.

We can't help ourselves. We've rarely seen the flicks. Generally we soon find that there are some actors we have never heard of before. Regardless, yet year after year we're here.

Last night was supposed to be the young and hip Oscars. This cemented the fact that I am neither young nor hip because I didn't get it. No, not at all.

In fact - I've heard the telecast compared to that of a bad reality show - complete with expletive laced speeches. The Oscars have come a long way since they had the look of a regal ball . . . which is fine so long as someone ensures that everyone is on the same page with what they have become. In short, someone needs to figure out just what the show is and then allow it to flow.

There were times last night when I thought I was watching the lose, booze-filled Golden Globes. In fact, had Ricky Gervais strode upon the stage I think he would have been cheered, even by the Fierstiens.

So what were the lowlights for me?

1. James Franco. An actor I used to admire appeared to be stoned throughout the entire telecast. Were he and Jeff Bridges sparking some weed before the telecast?
2. Christopher Nolan has clearly upset some academy members - give this man an Oscar already.
3. Hathaway (who I adore) and Franco just didn't work as hosts. They didn't come across as young and hip at all. Their humour was dry, their presenting was amateurish, and the awards lacked entertainment. Bringing back Billy Crystal for a bit just made them seem even worse by comparison. At least they didn't try and dance with a Disney hologram.
4. Oprah hit the ball out of the park when she presented the documentary. Class, intelligence, grace. That being said, when did she become Dolly Parton? Actually, apparently her dress designer does both Madonna and Dolly. Oprah. . .
5. Lots have been said about Melissa Leo dropping the f-bomb during her thank you to the Academy. I'm willing to cut her some slack though - the poor woman had just had her ass grabbed by an elderly man with a cane - that would discombobulate anyone. You wouldn't think saying the f-word was such a big deal, but in America you can hardly say 'toilet' on commercial television without getting slapped.
6. Since I already brought up Kirk Douglas . . . and at risk of seeming ageist . . . honest to god his bit made me uncomfortable. He leered, he patted Melissa's ass, he drooled over Anne Hathaway. It was as if he was channeling Charlie Sheen. Dirty old men aren't funny. Neither are dirty 'young' men but this ain't about Sheen.
7. What was up with ABC letting us know that they were going to be airing the show for the next ten years? This didn’t make me feel comforted at all.
8. Gwyneth Paltrow... I don't know about you, but I've had about enough of Gwyneth singing for awhile. How many shows has she sung on in the past month?! Sorry, but I really wished Jennifer Hudson would've grabbed the cane from Kirk, given Gwyneth the business end, and take over for the nasal-heavy Gwyneth (bless her heart). Having said that - she finally had a dress that fit and she looked freaking amazing in it.
9. Anne Hathaway’s Apache-like hoots throughout the evening were off-putting I thought. Really? No. Seriously…really? I get it . . . younger crowd . . . you're hip . . . the funny thing is that anyone I know who is in their 20 and 30s generally refrains from such foolish woo woo calls unless they are at a bar or drunk or both. Hathaway, presumably, was neither (although she did mention drinking a few times - hmmm). Enough Anne.
10. Matthew McConaughey and Scarlett Johansson found humor in repeating the word "sound" when they were presenting the best sound Oscar. They were the only ones. Speaking of Scarlett - whoever did her hair should be let go. Immediately.

All of this really reinforces one fact - actors read lines that others have written for them. They are not comedians. They don't do humour well as a rule. If the academy wants humour they they need to bring in comedic actors. Or Brits - Helen Mirren and Russel Brand (the pairing was a WTF moment for me but I was soon amazed) showed that actors could be classy, funny, AND smart. The Brits get this.

Enough said. I need to get back the sleep I lost last night. Since I'm not young nor hip I need my sleep.

Paul, be a dear, warm me some milk.

Before I nod off I have to give a shout out to the folks on facebook and twitter who engaged in a virtual Oscar party that was far more amusing than any live Oscar parties that I have ever been to. That, Anne and James, might not be young but it's a wee bit hip.

The Race to Nowhere

I am a teacher.

I have been teaching for 22 years, although I am still active in education it has been 13 since I have last been in front of a group of students in a classroom. When I was in the classroom I think that I was an excellent teacher. Every year, at the end of June, when we were making the classes for the next year there were letters from parents requesting that their children be placed in my classroom.

I can't think of a bigger compliment than that.

I was a creative teacher. I strayed from the curriculum from time to time. Perhaps a lot.

My students might not have known who fought for the British or the Americans in the War of 1812 but they could think. They learned to love learning and to appreciate it as a life-long endeavour.

We laughed. Dear lord, how we laughed.

They played.

Even in grade 8.

I refused to tell them the answer but rather showed them how to discover answers for themselves and then how to evaluate multiple solutions to determine an appropriate course of action.

Some of my teaching partners taught their students how to write examinations so that they would be ready for high school. It did not make me popular with my colleagues but I refused to do this. Yet when the students all went off to high school my students always did better on the examinations than the students who were in the other classes.

One of my teaching partners and I believed that grade eight had to be fun  . . . it might be the last time these children had to be children; kids face so much pressure today to grow up before they are ready for it. A childhood is too precious a thing to be lost.

One year our grade eight students staged a sit-in and refused to leave the school at the end of the year. They sat in the hall on that last day chanting 'hell no, we won't go!'

Some of these same kids, with children of their own now, still call me up and ask me to drinks.

When we were visiting our friend Palma last week she and I were talking about when we were teachers and we discovered that we had a similar philosophy. We valued education for the wonderful thing that it is and spoke of the fun we had nurturing a group of students on their way to becoming free-thinking, creative adults.

Public education was the one great hope that ALL kids had for success; not just those lucky children who had parents with a huge pay cheque.

We both talked about how we couldn't survive in the classrooms of today.

Teachers,  once seen as heroes, are now the scapegoat for society's ills. Schools focus on a narrow measure of academic success, they prepare students for tests that in one short sitting, determine many aspects of their futures.

There is less time for creativity, the arts, problem solving, critical thought, fun . . . play.

My friend Amy posted this trailer for a documentary "The Race to Nowhere" on facebook tonight. It struck home with me. It really speaks to the problem facing schools today. Sure things are NOWHERE as bad in Canada as they are in the US right now but it sure makes you think.

Dear lord, how I worry about ufture generations and how they will face the increasing complex problems that are bound to come their way!

Ratatouille

A Rat With a Spoon and a Bold Dream

I have been wanting to see this film for some time - you may have noticed that I am a wee bit food obsessed so how could I not go and see a flick about a rat with dreams of cooking. Generally we are loath to go to the theatre to see an animated movie because we don't wish to be inundated with children. (note to theatre owners - how about adult only screenings!  LOL) Because the city seems so quiet on this August long weekend we decided to risk it. The movie was wonderful and while there were some chattering kids their joy at the film was infectious (although had the theatre been full of said chattering children that joy would have dissipated quickly!)

Starring: Patton Oswalt, Ian Holm, Lou Romano, Brian Dennehy, and Peter Sohn.

Synopsis: Remy has always dreamed of becoming a great French chef the only problem is…he’s a rat! But that doesn’t stop him. Despite his family wishing that he would accept what he is and give up his dreams, he believes that he can make it. No matter how dangerous it is.

Ratatouille is Disney's latest animated flick. Don't dismiss it as just another example of perfect animation by Pixar. It dishes out wisdom with the speed of a fast food restaurant but with all the trimmings associated with fine dining. And in buffet style too. Take as much wisdom as you please.

What's on the menu?

Anyone can cook. Gusteau's motto is the overall theme of the movie. He encourages Remy and other chefs in training or by profession to take the bold leap and chase after that dream. His dictum is applicable to anything that we set out to accomplish. We just have to keep working at it.

Stealing is bad and is never right.The end does not justify the means. Whatever your reason may be, never take what isn't yours.

You can always count on family. Friends may desert you in the most trying of times but family will always be there.

Don't take credit for other people's accomplishments. Bask in your own glory. Do not pass off other people's work as your own.

Accept help even from unlikely allies. Do not brush off people just because you don't see eye to eye with them or because you're from two different worlds. Successful ventures have come out of unlikely partnerships.

Be prepared to be wowed. Sometimes, we are too eager to criticize. Compliment when praise is due. Keep your eyes open to see both the good and the bad. If you must criticize, at least be fair.

Give others a chance. Don't dismiss anyone just because you think he is lowly. Allow him room to move up. If you can, mentor or extend a helping hand.

Don't be afraid to experiment. While there are some areas in life that you need to stick by the rules, there are others wherein you have the free hand to follow your heart or instinct. You will never know the possibilities until you try.

Fancy does not always satisfy. Sometimes, it is the simplest that brings comfort. Food or otherwise.

As Anton Ego said, in reference to Chef Gusteau's motto,

'Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere.'

Thus, Ratatouille is more adult-oriented with its surprisingly advanced sense of humour and rather dark themes and subject matters that could go way over the heads of the kids. Granted, there are seamless action sequences that are hilarious and energetic and the interaction and the developing relationship between the rat and the boy are constant in drama. But this film is more “talky” compare to Brad Bird’s previous movies.

We shouldn’t underestimate children, however, as it all comes together in the finale, and hopefully they’ll be able to appreciate the sheer simple beauty of it: a genuinely moving conclusion that is never sentimental but intensely sincere and heartfelt nonetheless that advances the film’s ongoing motto “Anyone can cook” to “Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere.” This finale is punctuated by a brilliant transformation of the film’s severe and mean-spirited food critic, Anton Ego (voiced with such dignified Shakespearean delivery by Peter O’ Toole). His paradoxical speech about both the uselessness and the importance of critics is right on the spot, and I couldn’t help but nod my head because of its delicate poignancy in its unabashed truthfulness.

Although the story line has its charms, the precisely rendered detail of a professional kitchen will appeal to the food-obsessed.

The Pixar crew took cooking classes, ate at notable restaurants in Paris and worked alongside Mr. Keller at the French Laundry in Yountville, Calif.

“As a former actor and dancer, I have spent a lot of time in restaurants, but I had no idea of that vast difference between France and America, and especially the three-star restaurants in Paris,” said Brad Lewis, the producer.

The spectacle of French service was of particular note, and the film’s examination of how it can fade was influenced by studying La Tour d’Argent, a centuries-old Paris restaurant that lost two of its three Michelin stars. The cheese course in the film is copied directly from the one at the Parisian restaurant Hélène Darroze.

Ratatouille Trailer:

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix- Review

Last night Paul and I went to check out this movie. We decided to go to the 10:00 evening showing assuming that there would be fewer children there. We were correct except for one couple who brought a toddler and a young baby. Good lord people - get a babysitter!

We enjoyed the movie (except for the rather annoying couple and spawn) - Paul declared it to be the best of the series to date and I agree with him.

As is the case of all films in a series, there is to be an assumption of knowledge on the part of the audience regarding what's gone on before so. The problem with that, however, is that it may have been a while since you've either read the book or seen the last film. Happily I had reread the books last month (preparing for book # 7 to be released) and Paul and I had watched the last film yesterday afternoon.

The screenwriter, Michael Goldenberg, did a good job of paring the book, which is 734 pages, down to a manageable running time on the screen and tightening up the narrative. This is the first in the film series where JK Rowling allowed parts of the book to be changed in the transition from book to film. Some may scream about that but I think it made for a more rich and smooth story. So all in all, I think the translation from book to screenplay went well.

I continue to be impressed with the ability of both the story and the actors to maintain a strong sense of continuity from installment to installment. Harry Potter has grown, in more ways than one, into the role life has handed him yet he still has that sense of innocence, wonder, and self-doubt that infused him in the first film. He has been tested and beaten down, but he still strives on when others, especially teens, would have said something along the lines of "I'm outta here!" to the place the world has put him.
The rest of the company is also aging well. Rupert Grint as Ron and Emma Watson as Hermione aren't nearly half as annoying as they were in the first two, and Maggie Smith and Alan Rickman are worth the price of admission alone.

Voldemort’s busy assembling an army of darkness, but this fantasy universe’s current administration seems hell-bent on scapegoating and burying its collective head in the sand by appointing Imelda Staunton’s relentlessly prim and proper Dolores Umbridge to usher in a repressive, almost Orwellian regime of mindless conformity and authoritarianism at Hogwarts. A pink-clad fascist fond of cats and corporal punishment, Staunton’s twee totalitarian is the most original movie villain in ages.

Leave it to Potter to kick-start an underground pubescent insurgency, inspired by his sly, kindly godfather Sirius Black (the fantastic Gary Oldman), whose own Order of the Phoenix operates under the cover of night in secret locations, prepping to take down that dastardly Voldemort, should he ever show his semi-formed face again.

Like most 15-year-old boys, Harry Potter is an extremely angry young man, trying to wrap his still-forming mind around the fallibility of authority figures, the finality of death, and the all-around shit-stinking unfairness of the way the world really works. Fortunately, Harry's friends won't leave him alone -- even when he's surly toward them -- and he receives a much-needed support system from best buds Ron Weasley (Grint) and Hermione Granger (Watson) as well as a seemingly spacey blonde named Luna Lovegood (newcomer Evanna Lynch, wonderfully embodying the most interesting of the new characters).

In this manner, the film echoes The Empire Strikes Back: The mood is grim, the heroes are reeling, and the villains are on the move. But with a little help from their friends, not to mention a strong belief in the "force" of good, these kids may yet save the day.

Pirates of the Caribbean; At World's End

Tonight we decided to see this latest installment in this Disney series. My opinions will be moot for most folk (as compared to the rest of the world who couldn't care  less about my thoughts) whom I'm sure who have already seen this movie but here goes anyway:OK I'll admit that we haven't seen a flick for awhile.

Should you find yourself in line to see this movie . . . RUN. It matters not to where you run, just get the hell out of the theatre because anywhere else would be preferable to sitting through three hours of this movie.

Apparently it was not enough to have a drug addled Keith Richards in the movie in one of the worst 'rock star cameos' ever. I can't remember, was this before or after he fell from the coconut tree . . . that is right - who can tell? Presumably they let him helm the writing and directing of the film as well in his mind altered state. (Parents everywhere - use this clip as a lesson for your children - see Sue - looks what happens when you free base heroin?)

Dear God, what a load of tripe!

Oh yes, did I say I didn't like the movie? Oh, you figured that out already? I am nothing if not subtle!  *smile*

If you unfortunately do choose to join this rowdy cruise to the netherworld and back, plan to purchase a couple of meals' worth of popcorn and your beverage of choice. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End packs more characters, more action, more surprises, more metaphysical nonsense, and more Jack Sparrows into 168 minutes—yes, that's right, almost three hours—than the Lord of the Rings Trilogy packed into the entire series.  Oh yes, you'll have to sit through twelve minutes of closing credits to see the movie's predictable epilogue (because apparently modern movie goers are too daft to use their own imaginations to reach their own conclusions!). But most moviegoers will have already walked the plank, emerging seasick (vomit bags at the ready), full of strange tales, and drunk on plot-twists, double-crosses, and baffling revelations.

The previous Pirates movies have shown a fun flair for the grotesque, and this time, they pull out all the stops. In fact, they dismember and rip them to bits. Characters have a troubling tendency to snap off digits (who really needs that toe or tentacle), gouge out eyes (and suck on them EWWW), rip brains out of craniums (and lick them again - EWWWW), and yank out beating hearts (and maybe even stab them). It's like touring the popular "Bodies" exhibit at the Science Centre, only to see the corpses come to life and dissect themselves with apparent glee.

Gore Verbinski, who has directed all three Pirates films, really needed to pull Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End out of the bag if the franchise was to survive, and the bad news is that he’s failed miserably. Good news for movie fans everywhere - we won't need to sit through another one (although the movie dearly tries to set up yet another sequel in the last moments of the movie)

Picking up from where the last film ended with the surprise return of Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush), the crew of the Black Pearl and voodoo priestess Tia Dalma (Naomie Harris) try and rescue Captain Jack from Davy Jones’ Locker, a kind of purgatory for drowned sailors (by now I wished someone was coming to rescue me from my own movie going purgatory).

Once they escape back into the world of the living, the Black Pearl joins a gathering of nine pirate lords and engage in a giant battle with The Flying Dutchman captained by Sparrow’s arch enemy Davy Jones (Bill Nighy) and massed fleet of the East India Trading Company. If your imagination hasn't been stretched to the brittle point of no return by now just wait . . . it is coming!

Screenwriters Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio have turned in a script so convoluted and full of flip-flopping character allegiances I confess we gave up trying to make sense of it. Instead we let the fascinating visual effects wash over us (there, I did say something positive, mom always said to be positive . . . has it helped?).

Verbinski seems to have somehow lost his way and now seems uncertain exactly what it was about the first film that made it so successful. It certainly wasn't the insipid relationship between Elizabeth Swann (Keira Knightley) and Will Turner (Orlando Bloom, who do for acting what George W. Bush has done for World peace) but nonetheless we're treated to more of them, when just about everyone wanted less. Watching Knightley try to 'rally' the pirates to fight in the coming battle (a la Aragon in Lord of the Rings) only serves one to wonder why she wasn't locked up and sent back to acting 101 boot camp (and normally I quite like Knightley who was brilliant in Bend it Like Beckham) Only the always amazing Geoffrey Rush gets the tone right, camping it up as Barbossa with plenty of shiver-me-timbers fun.

So, if you, like us, were waiting for the crowds to die down to check out this flick . . . save your $ 10.50, buy a bottle of something with a good kick and escape reality that way because this film won't do it for you!

The Oscars

OK

I've recovered enough from my lack of sleep to finally write about the show.

In the interest of full disclosure - I always watch the Oscars. I don't know why but I do. Generally I haven't seen all of the movies nor do I really care about them but I watch the chow.

This year Oscar turned 79. I rate the telecast a 5 out of 10.

I didn't find the telecast to be gripping not all that amusing. However, it is the Oscars, it isn't supposed to be any of those things. If you want wild and crazy you should catch the Golden Globe Awards.

The Oscars are getting predictable. With the exception of the Best Picture nod for the Departed I was able to guess all of the winners - not because I have seen the performance/picture but because I had read and had a sense of how people would vote. (Anyone who thinks the Oscars are a reward for talent should give their head a shake, but I digress.)

Highlights for me - Ellen, the acceptance speeches by Forrest Whittaker and Helen Mirren, Jennifer Hudson winning (were you watching Simon Cowell?), Al Gore laughing at himself, fashion was generally understated and elegant.

The bad spots - not enough Ellen, Clint Eastwood presenting (bring your glasses next time!), the above mentioned predictable nature of the awards, the 'lesser' Oscars being handed out first (by the time they got to Best Picture who on the planet really cared anymore?), the Dreamgirls performance - if you need a screamfest go backstage (although I admit I LOVE seeing Beyonce being so thoroughly upstaged by Jennifer Hudson!).

There, go back to sleep for another year.